We Tried Deciphering Things Women Say and What They REALLY Mean

Guide to women talk
When a 'yes' means 'no', a 'no' means 'no', and a maybe also means a 'no', you do know you are at the receiving end of "womantalk". For a handy guide in deciphering the toughest codes known to 'man'kind, look no further.
A short quiz before we proceed:
How do you know if your woman is angry?
A) She's yelling at you.
B) She's not yelling at you.
C) Umm... both?
Gotcha! And that's lesson number one for you.

The language what we'll refer to as Womenese is a homogeneous language, widely spoken all around the world by the female specimen of the human species. Its peculiarity lies in the fact that this language does not have a singular place of origin, neither is it geographically restricted. It is never taught to any of those speaking it. In fact, every individual of the female specimen develops her own version of Womenese as she begins to grow.
Strangely enough, this language has blossomed among the female species all around the world, without being formally taught in schools or colleges. It is only of late that the rest of the population (read:males) have begun to compile a list of most commonly used sentences and phrases, in an attempt to grasp knowledge of this rather peculiar tongue, and help fellow males save each other from having their hair pulled out in sheer frustration.

Along similar lines, this Buzzle article brings you a bunch of sentences and phrases in Womenese, completely and correctly translated to English, for your perusal.
Guide to Basic Womenese
"I'm fine".
Variations: It's fine/We're fine/Fine/FINE.
'Fine' when used in Womenese means the exact opposite as it does in plain English (especially when followed by door slamming, phone banging, cold silence, or a beatific smile). It indicates that nothing is even remotely fine. It signals a temporary halt in communication, or a temporary closure to the ongoing topic of conflict.
Notice the stress on 'temporary', because the said conflict will be filed in the female speaker's head for eternity, waiting to be recalled, cited, and sprung upon the unsuspecting male when he least expects it.
In the event of 'fine' being used to signal the end of an argument, do not ever make the ghastly mistake of assuming that the female has accepted defeat. Reread the previous paragraph to know how to interpret it.
"Go ahead."
Variations: Sure, why not?/Yeah, okay/Hmm, sure/Do what you want.
Drop whatever you were about to do, and stay rooted to your spot, but only if the woman saying this matters to you. If not, this is your cue to get right out of her life.
This is a tricky command used frequently in Womenese, and the man usually ends up falling for it. The expression is used to challenge the man into doing something the woman clearly disapproves of, (in her mind, of course). Now, having read this, it is up to the man to keep his ears open for the said expression and avoid a considerable amount of misery that is sure to follow.
"You don't love me like you used to."
Variations: Do you love me?/Do you still love me?/I don't think you love me anymore.

Ah! Expect a sizable dent in your wallet after you hear this. Womenese dictionary translates this as-

"I've been feeling ignored lately. I'm beginning to suspect there's someone else in your life. Get me a neat looking diamond(s), if you know what's good for you.
Or else..."
"How much do you love me?"
Variations: May be used with the prefix "Baby".

Warning: The woman using this expression has...
  • banged your car someplace.
  • lost/damaged something valuable you gave her.
  • spent a ridiculous amount of (your) money on something you'd surely disapprove of.
  • done something that needs to be fixed or accepted by you.

Now go figure it out.
"I'll be ready in a flash!"
Variations: It will only take me a minute/I just need to decide which shoes I'm going to wear.
Those in the know of the comic book character Flash will be acquainted with his speed that gave him his name. But the character Flash being a 'he', interprets the meaning of flash to mean 'quick'.

Unfortunately in Womenese, this word when used in the above context, measures up to anywhere upwards of half an hour. Building up patience over the years is the only way to deal with this situation.
"Where is this relationship going?"
Variations: None.

Mistake number one: You understand this to be a question.
Mistake number two: Confounding that it is, you take your sweet time to formulate an (appropriate) answer.
Mistake number three: You respond with, "Uh... I don't know."

When according to Womenese, this isn't even a question. The female in question is making a not-so-veiled attempt to get you to put a ring on her.
The ball is in your court.
"But I already have everything!"
Variations: None.

An impending relationship milestone like an anniversary or a birthday or the dreaded Valentine's Day may trigger a conversation where you ask the woman what gift she desires. And this response in Womenese follows. If you get happy hearing that, too bad. If you choose to follow it and get her nothing, you're practically dead.
So, if you wish to live, consider the following scenarios, and follow the one applicable to you -
• "I have dropped several hints regarding the gift(s) I want. If they haven't registered, God help you."
• "If I haven't dropped hints, I want you to surprise me with something fabulous."
• "If you need help in this area, talk to my bestie and/or my sister."
Short Answers to the Most Baffling Questions Asked in Chaste Womenese
Do you still find me attractive?Yes

Will you still love me the same if I get fat?Yes (Just say yes for now)

You like my haircut?Yes

Do you think she's hot?No

Are you seeing someone else?No

Am I looking older?No
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Does this dress make me look fat? (Or anything that ends with "... make me look fat?")
No
Some More Quick Translations
Where are you????Why aren't you right here?

I'm sorry.Say you're sorry.

We need to talk.I need to crib about you.

I can only think of you as a friend.You'll never see my lady parts.
You look so manly.
You're stinking like a locker room. Go take a shower. And shave while you're there. And get a haircut after that. And wear clean clothes.
You decide...You'd better do as I say.

I bought it on sale.It was very expensive.

Turn off the lights, baby.I have body image issues.

I told you, I'm not upset.I'm very, very upset.
I want you to communicate better.
I want you to keep agreeing with what I say.
Here's the conclusion in straight, simple English - goodbye and good luck.